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Top Ten Superhero Films Part 2

It turns out that I’m an idiot who can’t count. I forgot one key superhero movie which is awesome, easily in the top 5, and when I looked at the other 4, none could in all good conscience be thrown out in favour of Spiderman 3, which I loved even if everyone says it’s bad.

The one I forgot is now at number 4. I think it’s that good.

5. X2
You know the X-Men franchise takes itself pretty seriously – at least this far in its run – from the fact that it opens in Auschwitz. Ooer, dark; Frank Miller, Alan Moore territory here we come. After that it comes together very nicely as one of only 2 successful multi-protag superhero movies. A raft of terrific actors have a great time with a good screenplay.

4. The Incredibles
I remember watching this at the cinema with my daughters and being impressed at a film which could hugely entertain a pre-school child, a teen and an adult. The story structure is terrific, the pace never lets up, the humour sections are genuinely funny and not just saddo cheese-fests (I particularly loved the costume fitting). It’s not easy to write a great story that has pace, humour, always with an eye on the video game opportunity. I think The Incredibles really pulls it off. My only teentsy concern is the self-referential nature of the movie, with its commentary on the nature and perception a world in which superheroes exist. It seemed a very original twist on the superhero mythology when Alan Moore did it in ‘Watchmen’, but now seems a bit passe. Then again most people haven’t read ‘Watchmen’.

3. Spiderman
I love Tobey Maquire and have always loved Peter Parker. Green Goblin was a great villain to pick for the Spidey movie. Peter’s growing delight with his powers and the way that, despite being a superhero he only slowly dispels his nerdy-boy persona, are the stand-out bits for me. Yes, the swinging is all very good too, love the swinging and the wall-crawling.Everyone in this movie is just great, but Jonah Jameson is a special delight.

2. Superman II
I almost put this top. It’s not top of anyone else’s list, as far as I know, which makes me think; where were you people in 1980? Don’t you realise the significance to those of us who were lovelorn teens, of the moment when Clark tells Lois that he’s Superman? Their first kiss is up there with Han Solo’s kiss with Princess Leia as one of the defining movie smooches for people my age! We also get to learn more about Supe’s homeworld, see the camp wonderfulness of the exiled Kryptonians and actually worry that Superman may not win the day. The end somewhat spoils it, with Clark being allowed to get his powers again. I see that it’s called for, but basically, it’s a deus ex machina.

1. Spiderman II
It’s unusual for a sequel to be better than the first, but not uncommon in Superhero films. Why? Because the first superhero film necessarily serves up the Origin Story. We all know more or less what such a story will give us. Ordinary guy becomes extraordinary and finds that he must use his extraordinariness to help people. Big Baddie threatens the world, superhero to the rescue, problem solved. Not very interesting, so far. The surprises, threats and complications really arise in stories further along the line. Jaded superhero; superhero tempted to evil; superhero in love, etc. Spiderman II goes for an early foray into Jaded Superhero. It’s probably not a bad time for that story. You can’t really roll that one out again until the superhero is supposedly ‘past it’, as in “The Dark Knight Returns”. Doc Ock is great, ripping chunks out of walls and hurling them at people. So many classic moments of the genre, so well executed.

Didn’t make the list:
Daredevil – one of my greater movie disappointments. How was this not wonderful? Why didn’t they get Frank Miller to write it? What was with the stupid, pumping rock soundtrack? Why was Matt Murdoch not blond??? I love MM but Daredevil was baaad, and not in the good way.

Elektra – not as dreadful as people say, actually. Better than Daredevil. But again…why didn’t Frank Miller write? Why didn’t they at least use one of his Elektra stories?

Constantine – (based on Hellblazer) really good. Would put it at twelve.

Spidey 3 – cos I can’t count, but I’d put it at 7 probably, in a rejig.

Superhero Movies I’d Like To See:
The Spirit, Watchmen, a good Daredevil movie, Groo the Wanderer, The Trouble With Girls. Technically neither The Spirit, Groo nor Lester Girls have superpowers. But then neither does Batman, so fair is fair.

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top 10

Top Ten Sweeties

Here’s an addictive Website for sweetie-lovers. A Quarter of These. You can order all your old favourites, and sweets they didn’t have round your way but you wished they did. Ten flavours of chewy bonbons; TEN! This shop must be one of the best places in the world!

I lost quite a bit of weight (like 7 kilos) on the vegan diet, but if I’m not careful it’s all going to pile right back on with a new habit I’ve acquired, namely, treating myself to a sweetie or two (or five) as I write.

Sugar is wildly addictive; once your system is used to that early morning sugar rush (I write first thing), you get to looking forward to it. I’ve started to find myself musing about sweets of old, found myself toying with the idea of going to Thorntons in town or Hamiltons in Burford to get a fix of premium sweeties.

You start with something recreational and ‘harmless’ like a Bassetts strawberry bon-bon and before long you need a handmade violet cream, Soor Plooms or some Extremely Chocolately Thorntons Special Toffee. You have to go further for your fix, make special trips.

The thing is, I just can’t afford the calories. I snagged a fabulous size 12 Diane Von Fustenberg wrap dress on ebay this morning (very good price!) and I’ll be damned if I can’t look good in it this summer.

So the bag of M&S Devon Toffees on my desk will have to be the last for a long time.

In the meantime, I can bypass the craving by thinking about sweeties and which are my Top Ten.

10. Sherbert Lemons

Sharp, tangy taste but there’s a price to be paid in the wounds you get to the roof of the mouth. Good for those with vampiric tendences who quite enjoy the taste of blood.

9. Cream Soda Sherbert

Pink and creamy, vanilla and icing sugar combined with citric acid, it’s not half bad. Great for dippin’, ideally a strawberry lollipop.

8. Chupa Chups

It’s not all about the nostalgia, and not all the best sweeties are British. These Spanish lollipops are the best! So many yummy flavours. When the Spice Girls broke up, Sainsbury’s sold off buckets of Spice Girl Chupa Chups for a fiver. I bought them for my office and that whole summer long, everyone sucked Chupas. I love them all but the cherry flavour just wins.

7. Mazapan

Another foreign sweetie – Mexican this time. It’s like halva but made from peanuts; a little cake of compressed, powdered roast peanuts and sugar. de la Rosa brand are ubiquitous but I prefer the other kind…can’t remember the name.

6. Cajeta

A Mexican milk caramel in the style of ‘dulce de leche’ or ‘manjar’ but made from goat’s milk. It is sweeter, stickier, pours and has a distinctive flavour. Amazing over hot cakes (fluffy American pancakes). From a town in Queretaro state called Celaya, which I once visited and found a shop which sold ONLY cajeta! Walls stacked high with shelves just crammed with shiny bottles of the lovely caramel syrup. My favourite flavour is quemado (burnt), favourite brand is Coronado. Best served fresh on a spoon.

5. Blackcurrant and Liquorice Eclairs

Whoever dreamed up combining the flavours of blackcurrant and liquorice? Sheer genius. The boiled sweet is heaven and then the chewy contrast of the aniseedy liquorice.

4. Anglo Bubble Gum

You need two at a time to get a really good bubble-blowing session going. There’s a salty tang to these that I love. (Bazooka Joe is okay too, and Bubble Yum. I disapprove of all these new fruit-flavoured bubble-gums. Bubble Gum should taste of Bubble Gum!)

3. Pear Drops

Not the massive ones which slice your tonque when you suck them down to razor-sharp candy slivers, but the small, sugar-encrusted ones. What an amazing flavour; nothing likes pears, but exactly like something we used to make in organic chemistry practicals.

2. Rose and Violet Creams

Juicy, floral fondants in dark chocolate. The more expensive the better. The local French patisserie does these; delicious. My favourite flavour is rose, except on days when it’s violet.

1. Thorntons Special Toffee

Gosh this is good. I have tasted many, many a toffee and not found it’s equal. Buttery and caramely; I’ve spent a lot of time trying to cook sugar and do not underestimate how hard it must have been to get this recipe right. The flavoured variants are well-intended but they just detract from the subtle buttery notes which float over the caramelised, milky sugar. Stick to Original.

P.S. Can’t believe I forgot Spanish turron, a sweet made from almonds! Jijona-style, please. Mmmmm.

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Top Ten Superhero Films Part 1

Let’s count down.

10. The Shadow (1994)
I like that The Shadow isn’t a victim of a horrible accident or scientific experiment gone wrong. I don’t quite understand where his powers come from and the film doesn’t really explain properly, which is all to the good – leaves some ambiguity. Is he some reincarnated warrior, or an immortal? Why does he change from handsome Lamont into ugly-mug Shadow? But the psychic aspect is really intriguing. The 30s-art-deco thing is done perfectly here, not overstated but consistently elegant. Alec Baldwin when he was still very hot, is deliciously inaccessible to the feisty blond sidekick who wants to get her paws on him. This movie is under-rated as far as I’m concerned. A certain amount of cheesiness is called for in superhero movies.

9. Batman Returns (1992)
Utterly classic! For Batman fans, this has it all – the scenes of Arkham Asylum – the lunatic, disfigured baddie (Penguin), the introduction of the sublime Catwoman (Michell Pfeiffer giving Julie Newmark a run for her money), and Batman before he became, as he is wont to do, a self-parody.

What is about The Bat that makes him eventually descend into bad self-parody? The new incarnation of Batman was allegedly influenced by Frank Miller, great reinventor of Brucie as a tough, angsty crusader. But by the third movie all that was forgotten and we were lurching back into Adam West territory. So now, with Batman Begins, we’re back with the Miller-esque Batman. Let’s hope it sticks. But 1992 was still a heyday for long-time Bruce Wayne fans like me.

8. Batman Begins
Comic books films grow up! said the critics. hey! Who said we wanted them to? This explores not just the origins of Batman and his early years, allegedly based on Frank Miller’s Batman Year One (and presumably Year Two, not written by Miller, but which introduces Ras Al Guhl to the early-Batman lore). Quasi serious and quite violent action movie. Brilliantly explores the psychological dimension of Bruce Wayne’s incarnation as the Batman, in a similar way to the best Batman comics.

7. X-Men (2000)
Now I’ll confess to never having read X-Men comics. I don’t like multi-protagonist comic books; there I’ve said it. With the exception of the brilliant Watchmen. This is my beef with Marvel. If one hero is good then two is better, seems to be the prevailing thinking. I always worry when I pick up a Daredevil that shows MM battling a few demons with the help of Spidey et al. Oh, boo, demons v the Marvel crowd, I go. So I don’t read JLA or XMen or Fantastic Four.

I prefer my superheroes to fly solo and preferably to be in big trouble, suffering. (Which is why Miller’s Daredevil is my favourite stretch of comic books stories ever)

This meant that I didn’t expect the movie of X-Men to be so damn great! Who knew?! It’s awesome. If I had time I’d go back and read the comics. But I don’t. And now I’m probably too old to properly enjoy them.

Part of the movie’s brilliance are the performances of Ian McKellan, Patrick Stewart and Hugh Jackman, amongst others. But the writing and effects are also terrific.

6. Superman (1978)
People forget how amazing this was. It was fabulous! Christopher Reeve made it look simple to be goofy Clark Kent and Superman too, but it was a genius performance. And Marlon Brando as Jor-El, the whole Krypton thing, Gene Hackman as Lex Luthor. This is where great superhero movies all began.

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top 10

Top 10…Chocolate Snack Bars

When I was a kid, child, young person, whatever is the preferred terminology, I used to take a daily walk with my best friend Eoin. We’d go down to the local village shops (Didsbury in Manchester) and buy a chocolate bar at the newsagents, then walk home via some circuitous route so that we had plenty of time to discuss the latest developments with Man United, Blake’s 7, Doctor Who and Dallas.

Eoin would stick with the same bar for literally weeks on end. I was the flibbety-gibbet who’d vacillate between a subset of favourites. (‘Vacillate’ means uming and ahhing, not being able to decide).

We would sometimes get into heated debates about which was better, Twix or Caramel?

These days I’m too scared of sugar and fat now to dare eat one of these every day, or even once a month. This is one of the surprising things that happens when you grow older. Something that you loved as a child actually scares you. It’s pathetic.

Can’t stop me dreaming though.

Here’s the list. It’s not in order, okay? That would take just too much work.

1. Mars Bar (Mars)
There really is nothing like the sugar rush you get from one of these. Fresh and in tip-top condition, a Mars Bar is a fudgy delight of maltiness, caramel and thick chocolate. The flavours and textures melt together in a wholly intoxicating way. The problem is that to the educated palate, they are so variable. Batch control: we’ll return to this problem again and again. That stuff about putting them in the fridge is a red herring. Milk chocolate – even the Mars kind -melts at close to body temperature. The ideal is to have it melt on your tongue. If you are gulping down chunks of hard chocolate, you have been ripped off, enjoyment-wise.

2. Dipped Flake (Cadbury)
How such an obvious innovation came along so late in the day, I’ll never understand. The clues were there – the Galaxy Ripple! Or maybe the patent ran out on the Galaxy Ripple. Ahhh. Only just thought of that.
(a ‘patent’ is something you use to protect an invention)
The precursor to this, of course, is the Cadbury’s Twirl. Cadbury are very good at textured chocolate. By increasing the surface area of the chocolate, they increase your exposure to the flavour. The Dipped Flake stops the chocolate crumb from being wasted.

3. Twix (Mars)
Awesomely good when the batch is good. Beware of batch variability in anything with a biscuit base. When the shortcake is just right, these are perfect. The caramel can vary too, from butterscotchy yumminess to bland sweetness.

4. Caramel (Cadbury)
One of the most reliable performers. Always squidgy, caramely and chocolately. They’ve really got the ratio of chocolate-to-caramel right here. Not so in the Caramel Egg, where the density of the caramel reveals it’s thinness. Stick to the bar.

5. Star Bar (Cadbury)
Very sweet and peanut-buttery. So sticky that it’s hard to talk when you are eating one, or even shortly afterwards, on account of your jaws being glued together. Not ideal in warm weather, when the caramel coating of the peanut butter centre starts to melt. Americans have lots of peanut butter bars, but we don’t. The Star Bar is a terrific product in this category but it’s not up there with the…

6. Nutrageous (Reeses – Hershey)
You can buy these in some shops, particularly if your town is home to lots of Americans, like Oxford. These are unbelievable. Peanut butter with chunks of roasted peanuts, caramel and thick chocolate. It’s Hersheys chocolate, which is less milky than Mars or Cadbury. The peanut butter is slightly salty, unlike with the Star Bar. Altogether less sweet – more of a grown-up bar.

7. Kit-Kat Chunky (Nestle)
Boo Nestle for encouraging mothers in the developing world to buy formula milk instead
of breast-feeding. But the Chunky Kit-Kat does marry two great concepts – the chocolate of a Yorkie bar with the wafer crunch of a Kit-Kat.

8. Double Decker (Cadbury)
Another variable one. The nougat can be too chewy, or too soft. The crunchy bit is best when the batch is very fresh. Delicious when they get the batch right.

9. Snickers (Mars)
Stick to the plain kind, with peanuts and nougat. Avoid the peanut-butter or nougat-free variations, and especially the bizarro ones with crispy bits. An acceptable meal substitute if you are find yourself somehow unable to buy sushi or fresh fruit and are starving hungry. Representatives from 3 major food groups.

10. Frys Turkish Delight
Not the best turkish delight, by a long way. (Perfectly good and cheap turkish delight is Marks and Spencers, but eat it quickly and all on the same day while it’s still juicy soft.) But still deliciously rose-scented and yummy. For some reason, lots of kids don’t like Turkish Delight. I never understood this as a child. That, for me, was the principle appeal of “The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe” – the turkish delight-eating scene. Turkish Delight, therefore, I quickly learned was a great bar to choose if you don’t want to share.

Like a bite of my Turkish Delight? What, you don’t? Okay then. Why thank-you, I’d love a piece of your Caramel…

D’ya see?

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top 10

Top 10…

Since I’m hoping to be a children’s author, I thought I should write the occasional blog post which won’t actually bring tears of boredom to the eyes of a child reader.

As a kid, one of my favourite games was ‘Top 10 – whatever’.

(Well heck, this is still one of my favourite subjects of conversation but you should see what it’s like to be an adult, they MAKE you talk about boring grown-up stuff even if you don’t want to, even when the people actually don’t have a clue what they are talking about, sometimes, honestly, I could cry with the inanity of it all.)

I hope to be covering important subjects such as:

Top 10 Doctor Who episodes
Top 10 Disney Theme Park Rides
Top 10 Chocolate Bars
Top 10 Puddings
Top 10 Comic Books
Top 10 Kids Books
Top 10 Cartoon TV Shows
Top 10 Duck Comics
Top 10 Disney movies

There’s just so much material! And these are crucial questions for debate.